I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
