Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Thank you for not boning my boss.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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