I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
