Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
