i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
