It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
