Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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