His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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