There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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