There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
