how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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