I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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