They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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