We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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