I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
