Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
