Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
