he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
