I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
