Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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