masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
