He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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