i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
