I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
