If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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