I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
nutella sex= disaster
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
