I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
