Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
