He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
