My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
