Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he shaved USA in his pubs
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
