It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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