Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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