Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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