I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
