I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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