sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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