just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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