Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
