So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Ketchup is God's man juice
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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