News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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