Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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