If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you didnt know i had herpes?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
