how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
