I got chris browned last night
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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