Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
