I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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