So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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