why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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