So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
