remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Someone shattered a urinal.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
